The Mundanes

Dear Cecil

2005-01-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

Where have you been all this time!? Mother was worried sick thinking she'd wake up some morning and see you impaled on a large stick with flanging arms and a contorted grotesque remnant of a face on the morning news!. Under her calloused breath of course... And it was more like curses than worries... But what can you do! I swear her will gets stronger by the day(we'll see to that all in good time).

Never fool yourself Cecil. The true believer is our one threat(if such a foolish thing actually exists). The puritans, the hypocrits, the atheists, liberals and conservatives. All of them think they have it figured out, placing their faith and of course money into our waiting hands! But the true believer, the one that sees behind the mediocre shadow cast upon the masses and challenges it to create art, to write, to find their inner peace truly divergent of the "Big brother"(through whichever spiritual quest), it is a danger to the very fabric of our society. And always remember as you trudge into the realm of being a tycoon yourself, it is not society we want to destroy. It is society that is our very duty to maintain and rule over! Religion can be our tool. Spirituality and art is a deadly weapon. Besides, we can bask in the art of times long past. Who needs that bogus abstract modern art, when you can be amused that the reporter in front of you, indeed the horror movie(and beginning commercials!) that sheep sit and watch in the darkness of a theatre, to the barbarian lands of the middle east, our brands, our voice, our will is extended across the entire face of the Earth? Tear spirituality to shreds wherever it may show its ugly face. The future of the Mundanes depends solely upon it.

As for dear Rupert, his goal is not to prove the right wing that they are right, or the left wing that the right wing is wrong, but to keep, maintain and reinforce the pitiful political positions that the media have laid upon the population. He is our brother in our calling to society. America will fall someday. Surely. But not before our family has laid its riches bare, and we've gone through all the motions of life: Torturing a few hookers, drinking the finest liqueurs, and being some of the most powerful and influential elements that this planet has ever seen. Perhaps that will destroy it in the end... But not to worry! There are hookers in China, and almost a billion people to begin to program right from scratch! It will be a grand undertaking; brother, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! One only hopes that mother will never get the chance to see it...She's bound to try and get her nose in it somewhere.

Ha. If only that old bitch(Celine Dion) were dead. But in the great effort to create more and more unlistenable shitty music, she must keep going for a little while longer. Then, for the sake of all that is greedy and worldly, hire someone to give her a nice long torturous death, which should by all means include the removal of her tongue, and shoot the unwholesome beast in the head!

P.S. Mother told me you were playing with some servant girl that you haven’t gotten rid of yet! She’s very disappointed... I’d be careful...

Your edgy brother,

Beryl Mundane

Dear Beryl

2005-01-31T04:51:00.000-08:00

It warms my heart to know that you have been medicating mother properly. Might I suggest you up the dosage? Any coroner's reports could easily be altered with a little money, and God knows she could hurry up and die already.

Ah, the incident at the church! I never tire of these childhood memories- one is only seven once, you know. I must remind you, however, that not all church-goers are puritans or hypocrites. There are, of course, puritans and hypocrites in abundance, but among them there is often a true believer, and he is a stumbling block, an inconvenience to whatever plans we set in motion. I do, however, acknowledge that there is no point in me griping. It is to our advantage that the masses forget their religion and their heritage. It is popularly assumed that a religious people is a people easily manipulated. This is true, of course, but only because ALL people, religious or non-religous, are easily manipulated. The religious are easily manipulated- but only by other religious people. What our fathers have created, and we continue to create, is an atmosphere in which the old standards are abandoned in favor of newer, shallower ones. A man with no deeper goals than satisfying himself here and now can be more easily addicted to all sorts of cravings (sexual, commercial, chemical and psychological), thus granting us a deeper hold on his life. The preacher can not give his followers a taste of heaven, but we can give man everything we promise, everything we offer, everything for which we have created a hankering for within him, as long as he can pay the full price. It is not of our interest to determine whether their religion is true or not; we have already discovered that it is in our way, and must be removed. I only weep for the lack of true art and culture in the future. A man inspired by God can create more satisfying art than a man inspired by, say, pussy. Unless, of course, what one finds satisfaction in is porn.

I think you overstate the case when it comes to the Fox News network, brother. Though Rupert is, in a way much like our own, a wonderful, crafty man, all he has managed to do is assure conservatives that they are right- something that did not really have to be done. No liberal has ever been convinced by their coverage, and no conservative would ever need to have his ideas confirmed, because no force on earth could make him change them. I know we take different approaches to reach the same goals, Beryl, but to trust too deeply on a single news network is dangerous. Your side has the presidency and most of blue collar america. What you need is not a news network, but a sitcom, a rodeo, a programming that will appeal to the masses, and keep them voting. They will not care about the news, as long as the president is adorably ignorant. Meanwhile, my side will keep the left in paranoia, firmly believing that Bush will lead the nation into ruin, never acknowledging that what will eventually bring this giant to its knees is inner divisions and strife. Every great empire collapses from within, and every great empire will eventually fall. There are no exceptions. All we must do is pick at its foundations, tear the people apart, divide and polarize them, and they will destroy themselves. This is not, however, to say that Rupert has done nothing. Send him my best regards.

I thought Celine Dion had died already. I guess we must take care of that as well.

Your admiring brother,

Cecil Mundane

Dear Cecil

2004-12-27T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ahh Cecil, Cecil. Always worried about mother. That old bat has more than nine lives let me assure you! She'll end up out-living us all, assuming of course the mysterious content of cyanide in her morning porridge doesn't get her first...

The holidays! How can one not love the holidays! Here you are every Christmas season bitching, moaning, and complaining about how much of a commercial holiday it has become. Jesus? Let me remind you that one of my favourite holiday memories was when on Christmas morning you went up to the alter of the church during a sermon, ripped down a splendid image of that hippie guy and defecated on it! Hoards of puritans and hypocrites alike all scurrying towards the door in horrid little rat like screams. That was pure gold, so stop complaining for once about commercials! Commercials are what keep the masses enjoying coca cola(of which we have several million worth of shares invested in).

I notice your taking a stab towards the beloved 'fair and balanced' news source. I'm forced to believe that you're mentioning the superb news coverage provided by Fox News. Cecil! Have you no moral code at all? Fox News is like the holy grail of information! (Besides, my dear half witted twin brother, we also have several million worth of shares invested in their 'balanced' coverage). Rupert Murdoch is a God. People should be celebrating his life on Christmas. Perhaps we should make statues of him and make our servants pray to him ten times a day. Of course then their heads would end up so far up their asses they'd probably be blowing themselves up on democrat's doorsteps faster than a Muslim rat can crawl into a Holy Jewish town and shit all over the place with his filthy trigger friendly Allah raped behind.

Allah is to Murdoch like Celine Dion is to a Mozart composition. Just imagine all the liberals we could eradicate with that kind of extremist faith!

P.S. Merry Christmas. All hail Rupert Murdoch! Owner of Fox News!

With devious sincerity,
your faithful brother,

Beryl Mundane

Dear Beryl

2004-12-24T09:36:00.001-08:00

Testing, one, two, three, testing.

Ahem. Oppress the masses. Whip servants. And bury that damn hooker that's stinking up the dining room.

Testing, one, two, three...

Very well, then. Hello there, Beryl! How goes mother? I trust she has already recovered from her accident with the spatula. Send her my best regards, will you?

Don't you love the holidays? Especially the fact that our holy days have nothing particularly holy about them at all? Go to any mall (I know, I know you hate shopping malls. Send a servant to a shopping mall with a camera) and you will see (or would see. Or will see the pictures of) Santa and his elves, and ugly little candy villages, and igloos, and a horrid little assortment of saccarine wintery decorations lining all the stores and squares, but I assure you you will not see any reference to the cause of Christmas- namely, Christ. Isn't it lovely that the supposedly most important person in all of history has been supplanted by snowmen and a fat charicature invented by a soda company?

And if you ever dare venture into a public school- God knows I would not- oh! If some foolish teacher or student decided to put up some small reminder that this holiday has ever had any connection whatsoever to any religion at all, some foolish parent who thinks he's terribly clever- or his ne'er do well kid- will sue the school and demand that the holiday be completely sterilized of anything that connects it to religion; and hence anything that gives it any shade of meaning whatsoever! And of course, we can always trust some "fair and balanced" news source to make extremists worry about it, never paying heed to the fact that it is not the fault of any single individual or political party or ideology that Christmas has become some bloodless winter festival. They conveniently forget that the first step to make this holiday just another excuse for the working classes to stuff some bird down their gullet- no Jesus, no Hannukah, no Kwanzaa, nothing that hints at transcendence- was its commercialization. Big business destroyed Christmas before liberals ever even thought of it. First Christ must share his day with Santa; Now atheists and agnostics pushed Christ over the edge, and now only Santa remains. I, for one, can hardly wait to see what myth big business will create when the red fat clown has outlived his usefulness.

Yours truly,

Cecil Mundane